6 Codependent Relationship Examples (and What to Do About Them)
Takeaway: Sometimes, it can be hard to tell if you’re in a codependent relationship–especially if you’re not sure what a healthy relationship looks like. In this post, I’ll explain what exactly codependency is and identify some common codependent behavior examples. Plus, I’ll offer tips on how to start changing these behaviors to build a stronger relationship.
How could I be codependent?! I take care of myself and my partner takes care of themself. Well, this might be true, but that doesn't necessarily speak to what's happening on an emotional level.
As social creatures, we rely on our families, communities, and the broader society to have our needs met. Physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, and spiritual needs are collective as much as they are individual.
Our relationships with our primary partners are significant to our well-being compared to other relationships. As such, they tend to bring out some of our deepest and most personal feelings about our sense of self and our self worth. Often these feelings are old feelings about intimacy and connection that were learned from the family dynamics of our childhood, that perhaps served us at a young age, but no longer serve us as adults.
A codependent relationship can take different forms which I will explain in more detail; however, the central theme is that at least one partner in the relationship gets their emotional needs met by the happiness of their partner.
For the rest of this article, I'll explain in more detail some of the classic codependent relationship dynamics and what you can do about them.
What is codependency?
It's common that people have a lot of anxiety about codependency because in the beginning it can be difficult to understand fully. When we're anxious, we tend to find comfort in being able to label a behavioral condition.
Codependent traits can be different, as they can sometimes take some time to fully understand within ourselves and others - particularly when emotions are high. It's best to attempt not to label yourself or others, but come with a study mindset to continue to learn more fully over time.
Codependents tend to want to "fix things" as quick as possible and sometimes this impulse can get in the way. Instead, take time to understand the general sense before trying to "diagnose" yourself or your partner. There is a fair bit of misinformation about it online, which is why working with a mental health provider that is versed in codependent relationships is optimal.
Melody Beattie, one of the pioneers of recovering from a codependent relationship, and author of the book "Codependent No More", defines a codependent person as "a codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."
In healthy relationships, people are able to express authentically their wants and needs from another. A codependent, however, often struggles to share their own feelings and express their wants and needs to the other partner. The codependent often struggles with healthy boundaries, often giving up their own needs for that of the other. If they don't, they feel guilty, and often feel responsible for the feelings of their romantic partners.
From an attachment perspective, the codependent often has an anxious attachment style. The subconscious motivations of the codependent person are attracted to the lack of safety they experienced as a child. In an attempt to heal that part of themselves, the are attracted to a person who provides them with that similar feeling of anxiety felt in their family dynamic growing up.
What childhood trauma causes codependency?
Codependent traits can develop within a family of origin through learned behavior, including family dynamics, upbringing, and individual personality traits and sensitivities. It's important to note that codependency is not a formal psychiatric diagnosis and can also be referred to as Complex PTSD (cPTSD). It refers to a pattern of dysfunctional behavior and relationships characterized by excessive reliance on others for emotional needs and a lack of healthy boundaries. Here's how codependent traits can develop within a family of origin:
Codependency often emerges in families with dysfunctional dynamics. This can include families where one or more members have addiction issues (e.g., substance abuse or gambling), mental health problems, or chronic illness. The token trait of all dysfunctional families are issues with boundaries. In such families, other members may develop codependent traits as they try to maintain a sense of control and stability in the face of chaos and unpredictability.
While growing up in a home with a lack of safety, a young child learns that their own safety is contingent on the state of the "big" people in their life. They are then motivated to do things to please the "big" person or other family members. This gives them an exaggerated sense of responsibility for others. As a child, its healthy to develop a sense of self, understanding their own wants and needs, and build their own identity as separate to others. When a child doesn't experience persistent safety in their home the security of the self (self worth, self esteem, self knowledge, authenticity) is comprimised.
A major factor imbedded in the self is what is known as "toxic shame". Shame is the feeling of a person believing that they are bad/wrong/not enough. Heightened levels of sensitivity to "not being enough" disrupt the child's ability to maintain contact with the feeling of play. In its place is an anxiety around being placed in a situation where they will feel the toxic shame that they desperately try to avoid, stunting their emotional development. As such, their identity formation becomes a "management system" for not feeling badness as opposed to presence and authenticity.
Codependency in relationships
The evidence of co dependency generally begins to appear in codependent relationships. If you'd like understand more about codependency examples and how it might show up in a person's life and the people involved, continue reading below. I'll provide some of the signs of codependency, what a codependent partner might look like, and how to maintain relationships and break free from the isolation and pain.
6 codependent behavior examples to look out for
Codependency in relationships can manifest in various ways, and it often involves unhealthy patterns of behavior and emotional reliance. Here are five examples of codependency in relationships:
1. Excessive Need for Approval: In a codependent relationship, one partner may have an excessive need for approval and validation from the other. They may constantly seek reassurance, change their behavior to please their partner, and feel anxious or distressed when they believe they have not met their partner's expectations. The unhealthy dependence on another to have their needs met is the primary issue of the codependent person. This often leads to a relationship addiction. In the same way a person might be addicted to a drug, the codependent can get addicted to the other person and their approval.
2. Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Codependent individuals often struggle to set and maintain personal boundaries. They may have a hard time saying no to their partner's requests or demands, even if it negatively impacts their own well-being. This can lead to a sense of being overwhelmed or resentful. The codependent personality is fundamentally about making the other person happy and they often feel compelled to abandon their own emotions and wellbeing in service to the other person.
3. Enabling Destructive Behavior: Codependent individuals may enable their partner's destructive behavior, such as substance use/drug problem or other unhealthy habits, by accepting excuses for them, covering up their actions, continue to supply money to cover poor decisions, or taking on responsibilities that should belong to the partner. This behavior often stems from a fear of conflict or abandonment. Codependent's are susceptible to staying in abusive relationships even when they know they have to leave. Unfortunately this can include physical abuse and sexual abuse.
4. Neglecting Personal Needs: In codependent relationships, individuals may prioritize their partner's needs and wants over their own to an unhealthy extent. They may neglect self-care, hobbies, friendships, and personal goals because they are so focused on meeting their partner's needs. It's extremely common for the codependent person to become ill, either emotionally or physically due to self-abandonment.
5. Confusing Intimacy with Intensity: Growing up in a family where emotional or physical abuse were present, often times the codependent personality forms in an environment where connecting and intimacy where done with intense expressions of emotion. Disagreements were learned as fights and connection was done with over-the-top gifts or "love-bombing". The codependent person learns from their family that if its not extreme, its not love.
6. Intense Fear of Abandonment: A significant hallmark of codependency is a deep fear of abandonment. Codependent individuals may go to great lengths to prevent their partner from leaving, including tolerating mistreatment or staying in an unhealthy relationship out of fear of being alone. Relationships might present themselves as circular relationship, often moving from periods of intense love to intense fighting, to reconciliation, only to start the process again.
It's important to note that codependent relationships can be emotionally exhausting and detrimental to the well-being of both individuals involved. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward addressing codependency and working towards healthier, more balanced relationships. Therapy, such as individual counseling or couples therapy, can be a valuable resource for individuals seeking to break free from codependent dynamics and develop healthier relationship skills.
Coping with codependent behavior in relationships
Dealing with codependent behaviors can be difficult but the answers are clear and helpful. Mental health professionals have been studying codependency through various therapeutic lenses for over 100 years and have developed tools and wisdom that can help people and couples move forward and ultimately deepen their relationships.
The primary action that will help you move forward is to pursue counseling with a professional that that is trained in dealing with codependent behaviors and moving you forward individually. Because many of the codependent personality traits are learned in childhood, its necessary to develop insight and move through some of your own needs first before you can work with your partner or other family members. In addition, spending some alone time can give a person space to connect to themselves on a deeper level, which they are able to then bring into the relationship in a more grounded way.
It's important to remember that even if your partner is displaying the "bad" behavior, it's never one person who is at fault in a relationship. You may even find difficulty adjusting to your partner if they begin to make changes so its important to remember that its an emotional health issue for everyone in the relationship.
One of the things that has proven to be helpful for people is to engage in group therapy or with other supports fellowships like Codependent Anonymous and Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families. Working in groups can helpful for the codependent because they are able to give support to other people and also receive wisdom and connection which help treat their emotional and behavioral condition.
When a person has done some of their individual work they are then ready to bring it to couples counseling where a trained couples practitioner can work with you as a couple to help turn poor communication into positive communication and connection, beyond what you have been able to experience before.
Codependency therapy can help you build the relationships you want
Give care to the one person who needs and deserves it the most; you. As a counselor who specializes in working with codependent relationships, I want to encourage you to take your life back. Codependent's often grow up into a world believing that they need the validation of another to feel safe. In reality, you are the one person that can give it to yourself. It's available for you if you're willing to take the steps to get there. It's available to you if you can find the courage to spend time getting to know yourself at the deepest level.
My approach to working with codependency starts with education on boundaries, intimacy, and addictive tendencies of the codependent person. Gradually, we will deepen the work to process and move through the pain of the past, making new possibilities available. For the person that is willing to do this work, they will gain more access to themself and other qualities that have always been there but have been hidden behind the codependent behaviors.
Please contact me if you're interested in a free consult to discuss how we can help you and your relationships move forward.
